Monday, January 16, 2006

live the questions

Last week I wrote that one of the things I dig about assisting is helping people. In truth I threw that in at the last moment because somewhere along the way I created a rule in my head which said that teaching/assisting is supposed to be altruistic. The comment stalked me for several days until it hit me on my way to Chicago that it was bothering me b/c it was inauthentic. On the plane I had the opportunity to flesh out why -- if it's not for helping others -- that I'm drawn to teaching. I realized that I do it because it heals me. In the reflection of others I am able to see my own shadow and through these mirrors the layers and masks slowly drop (or is it drip) away. It's nice to hear gratitude and even okay to hear disappointment from students, but honestly, both are fleeting. I don't want to change anyone. Ironically, teaching has given me this. I started teaching b/c I wanted to "help" others, which for me meant fixing others, which of course was code for fixing myself. And so here I am, two and a half years later, only now realizing that it was never about them, it was always about me. I don't know if this is right or wrong, selfish or selfless, but it's the truth.


It's 19 degrees here w/ a windchill of like zero. The winds yesterday and today were around 20 mph. That's c-c-c-c-cold. In eight days I'll be visiting Austin for a week where it's currently like 80. Admittedly the winter here so far hasn't been that bad, except for my birthday,(I'm not lettin' that one go), but even still I'm looking forward to the warmth.


The Museum of Science has a year-round butterfly exhibit. On Sunday, I went. It's actually a small greenhouse with many different types of amazing butterflies swirling around. I've been thinking of doing some sort of art project, and so I brought my camera to take pictures. I took several of the info plaques, and a bunch of some preserved specimens, thinking I might use both for inspiration later. And then poetically I found that when I walked into the greenhouse where the live butterflies were, my camera batteries had died.

I realize the cell phone motif might be done, but apparently I'm not through w/ it. Today I found out that it *still* hasn't shipped, I *still* can't just walk into a store and buy one since it's a business line, and well, at this point I'm angry. Amidst this whole cell phone debacle, I came upon a quote from A Course in Miracles, "...only infinite patience produces immediate results". And recalling the 10 or so times in the past couple of weeks that I've gone from acceptance to anger and back again I realize that I never had patience in the first place. So then I started freaking out, like dang, you mean to tell me if I would have just truly chilled, I'd have my phone back by now? Who knows, but then in the very next chapter I read that "[a]nger always involves projection or separation, which must ultimately be accepted as one's own responsibility". I'm running out of places to hide...

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