Wednesday, September 13, 2006


Several years ago I took a couple of workshops from Seane Corn. She had this saying: "Everything happens exactly the way it's supposed to in order for your soul to transform". I repeated that to a friend of mine this morning who is going through a bit of a struggle. From the outside, it always seems so clear i.e. we think that if x didn't happen then y could've happened. For starters, there's no way of course to know what could have been. But more importantly, it's misguided to think that the circumstantial stuff is a mistake. The fact that x DID happen, is because it was SUPPOSED TO happen. Anyway, as I said, it is so clear from the outside. Funny then that I found myself completely pissed tonight that my former house is on the market a mere year later for 50k more than we sold it. I started wondering whose life is this that I'm in anyway? Where did mine go? Why did I have to sell the house? Couldn't I have stayed there? All the sorts of truly pointless questions for which there are no answers and the recognition that we choose our own paths is a subtle whisper.

How do you distinguish between walking away from something because you're afraid, or walking away from something because it's time?

I can always tell when I miss a few days of meditation -- I'm quicker to emotion, tend towards the dramatic and the poor me, etc. So I guess I expect regular meditation to be withoout its ebbs and flows as if a dedicated practice promises clarity all day / every day, just like Dunkin' Donuts. Or some of them anyway. What I'm finding right now is that my practice is there -- it's consistent -- but oddly, rather than feeling clearer, it's getting pretty murky in there. Like swimming in Lake Travis after a storm. I'm an answers kind-a girl, so this clear as mud bullshit is just that. Shite. I don't like not knowing, I don't like having to wait for perspective. I don't like exercising patience. I know that six months is less than a drop in time's bucket, but to me six months might as well be six years.

Amoeba is the coolest record store on the planet. Holy cow. If I wasn't so tired tonight I would've spent several hours in there. Ahh circumstances...

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