Friday, December 15, 2006

The Kombucha Report

Oh yes. The moment you've ALL been waiting for. The VERY FIRST* Kombucha Buzz/Taste/Un-Slimy-ness Test. Following are the judging criteria. Notice that the criterion are weighted differently. This is to account for importance.

1. Buzz Factor -- A drink's ability to incite high-ness. Range: 1 - 5
2. Taste -- I should say I actually have pretty low standards for this one. It's kombucha. You're not supposed to like the taste. (P.S. My distinguished palate does not discriminate based on flavor, e.g. if I tried Ginger in one, and Original in another I don't hold it against Original. Cool?) Range 1 - 4.
3. Un-slimy-ness -- How much fungus is floating in the bottle? I don't like it. Range: 1 - 3.

Official Rules
The kombucha with the most points wins. No, there's no prize, sucker. Winning's its own reward.
Let the games begin!

GT's Synergy

This has long been, imho, the gold standard for commercial kombucha. I know that we're typically partial to our firsts, but this one has really stood the test of time. I appreciate that it's not too sweet and the range of flavors is unparalleled. And, most importantly, I could mainline the stuff. Well done.
Buzz Factor - 5
Taste - 4
Un-slimy-ness - 1(Sorry, GT, but you pack more fungus than a forest.)
Total: 10
High Country

High Country, you should be *ashamed* to call yourself 'high' anything. I got more buzz off of smoking oregano in high school. Plus, you taste like shit. I do give you points for a low-slime factor, though.
Buzz Factor - 1
Un-slimy-ness - 3
Taste - 0
Total: 4
Kombucha Wonder Drink

Wonder Drink? Why? Because it's a wonder you can call yourself kombucha? One word: weak.
Buzz Factor - 0
Taste - 2
Un-slimy-ness - 3
Total: 5
Kombucha 2000

First of all, props for such a kick-ass name. Kombucha 2000 is retro before its time. Second, and most important, it rocks the buzz like GT's! Yes! I've subtracted a point for its $4 pricepoint (I know I know so unfair). However, its hefty price is redeemed by the grapefruit flavor.
Buzz Factor - 5
Taste 4
Un-slimy-ness - 2
Total: 11
Wallet breaker: -1
Revised total: 10

* Claim unconfirmed but I'm pretty sure it's a safe bet.


Anonymous said...

Do you have an addiction to alcohol? Make some kombucha for yourself then make a claim on the ratings of Kombucha. This is all I have to say. I disagree with your ratings.

vanessa said...

Dang! Bitter much?

For the record, I don't have the attention span to make my own kombucha. I know -- I tried when I lived in the kombucha-barren city of Boston for the longest 9 months of my life. Which is why I buy it in droves. But you do raise a good question: Are only those who've made their own wine qualified to assess it? What if you make piss-poor wine? Are you still more qualified than a highly reputed sommelier solely by virtue of storing a barrel of some aging grapes in your closet?

P.S. Umm do I have an addiction to alcohol? Hell yes. And heroin. And eating mud. And body odor. And rainbows. And bamboo. And Queen Elizabeth's eyelashes. And ... Oh, so silly. Do I have an addiction to alcohol...