Yes, I want food (and answers to other frequently asked questions).

Owing that I'm no stranger to cleanses and fasts and all sorts of other health gauntlets, I figured this makes me some sort of expert.   So I'm taking this opportunity to answer some of the more frequent questions I get about this cleanse.  Here goes:

Q.  Do you eat anything?

A.  Nope.  Unless you count lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne as eating. 

Q.  Anything?  

A.  If you ask me again, I will start eating -- your eye.  

Q.  Which one?

A.  It doesn't matter.

Q.  Doesn't not eating make you irritable?

A.  Why do you ask?

Q.  How many calories a day do you consume?

A.  I think between 800 - 1000.

Q.  Don't you lose a ton of weight?

A.  Yes and no.  You lose some but you can't really think about that b/c eating 1000 calories a day is not sustainable (nor should anyone of sound mind want it to be).  Ergo, as soon as you start eating again, you gain it back.

Q.  Why do you do it? 

A.  Because you end up feeling really, really good afterwards, blah blah blah.  (Incidentally, this answer is becoming less convincing to even me.)

Q.  How do you focus?

A.  For what purpose?

Q.  You're crazy, aren't you?

A.  Maybe.

Q.  Are there different kinds of cleanses, like say, less extreme?   And have you done them?

A.  Yes, there are a zillion (FYI, that's a real number, just after trillion) out there.  Check 'em out.  In the past I've also done the Arise & Shine, a fruits and veggies cleanse, and a fruits only cleanse.

Q.  How'd you pick the Master Cleanse?

A.  Because it's simple.  You have three ingredients for 10 days. 

Q.  Don't you get sick of it?

A.  Yes, yes I do.  But I think it's just like that cliche about marriage or something -- you have to mix it up.  For example, sometimes I make it w/ mineral water, sometimes with hot water, and sometimes I make little popsicles out of it.  (The last one was a joke, but umm, helllooooo -- a stroke of GENIUS.)

Q.  Do you think about food?

A.  All of the time.  (As an aside, I don't remember thinking about food this much previously, so I'm not sure this is normal.)

Q.  How do you have any energy?

A.  Magic?  Apparently when the body isn't busy digesting, it's freed up to do other things, like worry.

Q.  What are you going to eat first?

A.  Orange juice, unfortunately.  Basically, you have to come off of a cleanse delicately, so you start w/ something easy to digest.  I guess my first real meal will be Tom Yum soup because it's brothy and delicious.

Q.  Will you ever do this again? 

A.  Please do not let me ever, EVER do another 10-day cleanse.  Trust me when I say that the world is a better place if I can eat.  You, on the other hand?  You should totally try it.  It's awesome!

So that's it.  That's what I get asked most.  And now I'm going to go back to sleeping my way through the next two days.

What I hope to be my first meal: