Words Loved or Loathed

My friend Joslyn has this really great list of words that she likes.  I asked her to add the word delightful to hers and she refused because, she's "on the fence about that word," which completely baffled me.  How can you not LOVE delightful?  It's just so retro.  I tried to convince her and so she suggested that I start my own list.  ("Get your own," might've been her words.)  And because I want to give delightful its proper recognition I agreed.  But not without trepidation since:

1. Copying someone who's done something brilliantly is a really good way to look like a hack.  
2. I like lots of words simply for the way they sound even when I can't remember what they mean.  This probably means I'm shallow.  (Although, I've conveniently rationalized these memory lapses by blaming the people who make up definitions for ascribing some lame meaning which pales to its sound.) 

Love:

• delightful:  This word is under-used in our modern vocabulary.  It's the lexicological equivalent of carrying a handkerchief in one's pocket.  (Which makes me smile.)  
• evidently:  I mostly love the way one of my former co-workers used to say this word.  She was from North Carolina and said it like she was a lawyer.  Whatever she followed it with always sounded so believable.  
• harangue:  I have effed this one up many times.  Mostly I confuse it with cajoled, although see below for my thoughts on that word.  
• inchoate:  I think of Native Americans when I think of this word.  I don't know why but I like thinking of Native Americans.
• loath:   Way more interesting and succinct than "It's probably not gonna happen."
• non-plussed:  I just want to pinch this word in its rosy little cheeks!
• pansy:  Sissy sounds too, well, pansy, so I like this one instead.

Loathe: 

anything with "-shizzle" in it:  I don't think I need to explain this.  It was never cool.  (That's right, Snoop.)  I also don't care that it's more like a phrase or vernacular than a word.  Whatever.  Don't use it.

cajoled:  sounds like Cajun and no word should sound like Cajun. 

hubby:  Eww.  What totally confounds me is that people I otherwise respect use this in all seriousness.  

ginormous, chillax, or any other portmanteau comprised of two synonyms:   Individually the words mean the same thing.  Just pick one for crissakes.

juicy:  It's true.  I hate this one too.

That's it for now.  

***

In other news, I finished the Master Cleanse on Friday.  Thank God.  And curses! that the body forgets so easily.  I already ate a bunch of chocolate tonight.  I don't ever want to go through that again, so I'm going to re-read my posts to remember how miserable I was in an effort to eat more mindfully. 

Yes, I want food (and answers to other frequently asked questions).

Owing that I'm no stranger to cleanses and fasts and all sorts of other health gauntlets, I figured this makes me some sort of expert.   So I'm taking this opportunity to answer some of the more frequent questions I get about this cleanse.  Here goes:

Q.  Do you eat anything?

A.  Nope.  Unless you count lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne as eating. 

Q.  Anything?  

A.  If you ask me again, I will start eating -- your eye.  

Q.  Which one?

A.  It doesn't matter.

Q.  Doesn't not eating make you irritable?

A.  Why do you ask?

Q.  How many calories a day do you consume?

A.  I think between 800 - 1000.

Q.  Don't you lose a ton of weight?

A.  Yes and no.  You lose some but you can't really think about that b/c eating 1000 calories a day is not sustainable (nor should anyone of sound mind want it to be).  Ergo, as soon as you start eating again, you gain it back.

Q.  Why do you do it? 

A.  Because you end up feeling really, really good afterwards, blah blah blah.  (Incidentally, this answer is becoming less convincing to even me.)

Q.  How do you focus?

A.  For what purpose?

Q.  You're crazy, aren't you?

A.  Maybe.

Q.  Are there different kinds of cleanses, like say, less extreme?   And have you done them?

A.  Yes, there are a zillion (FYI, that's a real number, just after trillion) out there.  Check 'em out.  In the past I've also done the Arise & Shine, a fruits and veggies cleanse, and a fruits only cleanse.

Q.  How'd you pick the Master Cleanse?

A.  Because it's simple.  You have three ingredients for 10 days. 

Q.  Don't you get sick of it?

A.  Yes, yes I do.  But I think it's just like that cliche about marriage or something -- you have to mix it up.  For example, sometimes I make it w/ mineral water, sometimes with hot water, and sometimes I make little popsicles out of it.  (The last one was a joke, but umm, helllooooo -- a stroke of GENIUS.)

Q.  Do you think about food?

A.  All of the time.  (As an aside, I don't remember thinking about food this much previously, so I'm not sure this is normal.)

Q.  How do you have any energy?

A.  Magic?  Apparently when the body isn't busy digesting, it's freed up to do other things, like worry.

Q.  What are you going to eat first?

A.  Orange juice, unfortunately.  Basically, you have to come off of a cleanse delicately, so you start w/ something easy to digest.  I guess my first real meal will be Tom Yum soup because it's brothy and delicious.

Q.  Will you ever do this again? 

A.  Please do not let me ever, EVER do another 10-day cleanse.  Trust me when I say that the world is a better place if I can eat.  You, on the other hand?  You should totally try it.  It's awesome!

So that's it.  That's what I get asked most.  And now I'm going to go back to sleeping my way through the next two days.

What I hope to be my first meal: 

Wow, I'm Really Hungry

Today is Day 6? - oh that's right -- yes, Day SIX  of the Master Cleanse.  I forget.  My thoughts... they... are... like... feathers... 


Yesterday, in Venice, I actually sat outside of a pizza place and just inhaled the scent of cheese.  I was hoping to get full from it.  Cleansing makes you crazy.  Today Dre texted me a picture of the hot dog and fries her boyfriend was eating.  I stared at it for a good five or so minutes before I looked away.   I pictured the taste of the curly fries, their salty unctuous goodness like a whisper on my lips.  (I nearly killed Y when I came home later to find said fries barely eaten in the trash.  Doesn't he know that there are underprivileged cleansers EVERYWHERE who would kill for his discarded scraps?  Not *this* cleanser - 'cause that would be gross - but others.) 


I've ran a marathon.  I've done 80 days of yoga straight.  80 days.  Hell, I've even done *this* lemonade thing multiple times!  Clearly I'm not afraid of a challenge.  So why is it so hard now?  In cleansing theory, my unyielding desire for food (and especially "junk" food) after six days implies that I must've been really unhealthy before.  I can hear The Secret Cleansing Council conferring now:  
"Didn't she used to be a yoga teacher?"  
"She really let herself go..."
"If she really took this seriously, she'd be doing the Salt Flush."


And to that I say, I wish I didn't hear voices in my head.  I also say, I can't believe I'm sticking with it.  No, really, I'm SHOCKED.  (And slightly proud.)  I've been trying to explain to people who ask why I would do this - why I would torture myself, really.  My answer is the same:  because you end up feeling really, really good and I want to break the attraction I've had to junk food lately.   And that's true -- I'm no stranger to fasts, to cleanses, to eating healthy.  In the past when I've done these, by no later than Day 5, I've felt great!  My thoughts have been clearer, I've had boundless energy, my skin looks better, my eyes get whiter, and my tongue gets pinker.  When I"ve finished I've managed a healthier diet for months afterwards.  It was all worth it.  But yesterday was that magic hump day and I felt no closer to salvation than I did at the beginning.   So now I'm a little discouraged.


I'm tempted to swear off eating poorly EVER AGAIN.  NO, THIS TIME I MEAN IT.  But since my friend Doug* has convinced me that declarations only set you up for failure, instead I will say that I really hope that this time, after I've put myself through what I hope won't be ten full days of missing  nachos, I'll be more sensible and moderate and kind to myself about the food choices I make in the future.  


Look!  It's breakfast, lunch, and dinner:

*I accidentally just typed "Dough" for "Doug."  I really miss bread.

***

P.S.  Here are those red clogs.  I should have taken a picture of them with my new skirt, which I'm totally in love with and have worn for two days straight.

The 2nd day...

Today I hate all people who eat food.

Zebra

Up until tonight I thought I was such a Scrabble badass.   Maybe it was my 20% bingo record, or the 98% scoreboard.  Whatever -- I owned that bitch.  Then I started playing Scrabble Stephen Hawkings Edition.  I have barely hobbled through two hands and I've already lost once.  Apparently I underestimated my opponent, the iPhone.  My self-esteem is duly checked.

***
Today is Day 1 of the Master Cleanse, (and Day 3 of a new Artist's Way sequel "Walk In This World" thingy I'm doing with my friends). I should note that I'm defying the advice of my friend and acupuncturist, Margaret, who supports a cleanse for me but  advises against the Master variety.   No hallucinating or coffee headaches yet, although I nearly clubbed my co-workers who (unknowingly) wouldn't stop talking about pie.

***
I just watched a commercial in which a tampon was described as "cute."  Sorry.  I had to share.  It was just too weird.

M C, Day 9

It's the 9th day.

That is all.

Whaaaaaa??? That is NOT all. My manual is done and I am so happy about that.

M C, Day 7

In addition to losing my appetite, I've lost my will to write about not having an appetite.

Mostly.

I'm gonna kick this off w/ some non-cleanse stuff. If there are any single ladies (ages 38-45) out there, one of my students is the casting director for The Bachelor. Apparently they're trying a season of young guy/older woman on for size and they're short on candidates. He's (my friend, not the impending Bachelor), pulling his hair out looking for women. I swear I'm not making this up. Let me know.

***

Today is day 7. I'm pretty sure I must be messing something up because Sach was saying she had boundless energy at this point. I don't. I mean, my energy is a little bit better, but I attribute that to the no coffee. Anyway, the dark circles under my eyes are disappearing and my skin tone seems to be evening, so something's working.

***

Get this: tonight I taped my class for my workbook (which is due WEDNESDAY) and it didn't tape. I accidentally turned it off one second into taping. Sigh. There's probably some cosmic reason for this but it's escaping me right now.

M C, Day 6

Because you asked, here are the details of the cleanse:

6-12 glasses a day of:

• 2 tablespoons of organic Grade B maple syrup
• juice of ½ lemon
• 1/10 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
• 8 oz. of spring water

Plus you do like a salt wash at night.

Today is day 6 and last night I can say that I went out to a bachelorette party and had a good time despite the no eating/drinking. (Note: I'm foregoing the opportunity to muse on bachelorette parties because I am supposed to be doing my workbook right now.)

***

Happy Mother's Day to my mom and to Hav's mom.

***

I feel really fortunate that not having the ocean nearby is softened by the proximity of Runyan Canyon. It's just kinda fun.

MC Day 5

I'm supposed to be at a Hanuman workshop right now, but I'm trying to finish my f**king manual. Yes, they gave us a one week extension, so yes, I should be done by now, but I'm not. So I'm neither at my workshop that I paid for, nor am I working. I'm blogging. Because it's really important to tell you that I'm at Day 5!!

Half way!!!

I keep waiting for the moment when I don't crave eating. I'm not hungry - so it's not that. I just mean that I miss pancakes and coffee. You know how often I eat pancakes? About once a year. That's how retarded this is.

You may be wondering, well, why are you still doing this if it's so horrible? Because I'm really curious. And I've made it half way so I might as well finish.

M C, Day 4

Good news on the mostly-fasting front: it's getting easier. To the point where it was already 3:00 and when I realized I was hungry. I told Christine, "Oh dude, I gotta go eat lunch." Or drink it, as it were.

My friend Kristin told me today (rockstar did it for 11 days) that after day 6 you get high. To be clear she followed that with, "Well, I mean, I don't know if you get that way with fruit juice." Holy Jesus I'm only drinking three classes of green - no sugar added - juice a day. If I don't get something outta this, bodies will be found.

I should tell you that nearly every thought is focused around this cleanse. Even when I'm working I'm constantly like, "only x more days." A nobler, more enlightened me would kick this like Gandhi did when he looked at fasting as a privilege. He even had a bunch of gratitude around it and shit. Clearly I'm not there yet.

MC Day 3... or, how to cheat on a cleanse

My friends, (I use the term loosely), thought it'd be funny to text me this evening while they're all out at happy hour.

"We're eating cracked pepper french fries," A-lo mocked.

"Mmm, dill sauce," Lo added.

You guys suck.

Actually, to be honest, it's not the french fries and pizza I dream about. It's the simple things, like toast or the corn tortillas my roommate had me get her at the Whole that I'm drooling over. Simple food. What I really miss most about eating is the chewing part. I never realized how much of my day is spent snacking until it's gone.

So, in addition to the green juice I've been drinking which is not on the cleanse, I've also been chewing gum like a greasy spoon waitress. Artificial sugar? Definitely not on the cleanse. I should call this the master-ish cleanse.

3 down, 7 to go.

M C, Day 2

Yesterday can best be described as CRASH AND BURN. By 3 p.m. I pretty much wanted to pull out all of my own hair, follicle by follicle (and everyone's around me just for being alive). I left the office in near shambles at 5:05, laid down to take a "nap" at home at 5:30, and woke up at 6:30 this morning. Yep. 13 hours of sleep.

I texted my friend Scarlett today (who's been living in a tree for the last week, but that's another story) briefly telling her I think I'm going crazy. She said, and I quote, (remember, this is texting, folks):

"master cleanse is waaaay tooo intense 2 try & do & be aprt of the real world. u gotta lock urself in the house 4 the first 3 days. at least. then nap whenevs."

I drank fruit juice, friends.

Am I a failure? Maybe for other reasons, but not this one just yet. Today was easier than yesterday, and I suspect tomorrow will be easier than today.

Lessons learned: do master cleanse when you don't have to like, think.

M C, Day 1

I thought it'd be kinda interesting to blog my way through a Master Cleanse. I expect to become fully crazy over the next 10 days. I tried this a few years ago and made it to Day 3 before I nearly killed my (ex)boyfriend for eating a piece of toast. But, I've had several friends who've been successful and report feeling amazing afterwards so I figured I'd give it a sophomore shot.

This'll be fun.