Bliss of the Anointed One

I started out tonight thinking I was going to write about jumping back on the meditation horse.  You see, I've taken a sort of hiatus from it on account of losing weight and all.  For the past six-ish years, I've had an almost daily meditation practice, some days five minutes, some days thirty, until the last few months, where I've eschewed sitting in favor of reading Twitter and Huff Post in the morning.  Anyway, I wanted to tell the story of how at first, it didn't really feel like anything was missing or different, until months later when I suddenly noticed how snappish I'd become, how much more ADD I'd become, how I'd forgotten the art of listening altogether.

But then in lovely irony, while sitting down to type I opened the new issue of The Sun, read the writers' bios, two short stories, and then happened upon the column, The Dog-Eared Page, where this month's article was written (decades ago) by some guy named Abhishiktananda.  I rolled my eyes.  Please.  No one names their baby Abhishiktananda.

I continued.  "It is the worst possible illusion to imagine that we have to struggle to find liberation or mukti..." he writes. Yawn.  I skimmed a sentence from each paragraph then skipped to the last line.  I found myself thinking that I couldn't bear to read another article, another book, listen to another speech, whatever, about finding the Self and that there really is no finding, 'cause duh, it's inside of us all along.

And then it hit me -- well, when did this happen?  I've read countless texts on actualization, the meaning of the Self, and finding freedom.  I've devoured allegories and philosophies and whole schools of thought on these subjects.  I wanted to write my own brilliant guide for crissakes.  That's interest.

Yet somewhere between then and now I developed an aversion for the thing I once loved to read about.  [Aside:  See, there are times when ending in a preposition just makes sense.]  Upon recoiling from Abhishiketc's article, I immediately had the sense that at least for right now, reading about awakening can only be a (really boring) academic exercise.  That the act of reading about realizing your own mukti-ness is not entirely different from struggling to find it.  And I don't want to.

Instead, I'd rather keep doing things that are fun, like reading fiction or Twitter (yeah, it's both), dreaming of super cute outfits, practicing guitar, and running, and getting reacquainted with meditation.  Which, come to think of it, is probably A's point.

fitness for your inner witness

I got a wristband. Normally this occasion would call for an exclamation point, at least, but I'm suspicious. Yeah, I got one, (actually, April got me one) and so did everyone else I know. Which means either less than 4000 people signed up, OR, me and all my Austin friends are just incredibly lucky. I suppose it could also mean that they awarded more than 4000. Either way, the countdown's begun and I'm happy as a shark in a kiddie pool. Thank you to April for entering on my behalf. If you end up getting a badge, consider sleeping with one eye open.

***

My friend Ricky is in Marrakesh right now chillin' like Dylan. He took a 3 month leave of absence to travel: the first month he's trekking Morocco, then he'll head to India where the remaining two will be spent volunteering. Something in him has shifted, he says. He's spent mornings watching the sun come up over the Sahara. He's met a ton of cool people in between hostels and excursions. In spending time amongst Moroccans, he's realized that happiness is independent of money. I'm caught halfway between inspired and jealous.

His IM today came at a curious time. This very morning (before I heard from him) I was thinking about how I always said I would live in a foreign country before 30. Kansas, foreign as it was to me, doesn't count, so I'm back to wondering when the heck I'm gonna make good on that.
***

This morning in teacher training Tara said something that I'd like to pass on: There is no such thing as BAD meditation. So true, so true. I hear people say that they are frustrated when they can't stop thinking or that they don't have enough time. To those concerns I say, first, you wouldn't be human if you didn't think. Sit anyway. Eventually the thinking gets quieter. Second, anything, and I do mean ANYTHING is better than nothing. For example, I woke up late this morning and didn't have a lot of time before training so I only meditated for 3 minutes. That's it - just 3. And yet I walked out my front door and balanced a Chevy Pickup on my right index finger, spun it around a little, too. All from those 3 measley minutes. Just kidding. But serious, it's really is good for you, and any amount of time "counts".

Speaking of counts and then counting, I told my roommate I'd get up at 6 and run with her tomorrow, which means the only counting I should be doing is some sheep.

this monkey's gone to heaven

A yoga teacher of mine used to say, "The longest journey you'll ever take is from your head to your heart." It occurred to me, I mean really, that the separation from knowing something academically and realizing it in your bones really can't be forced and there's nothing you can *do* to force this learning. Then I realized that the ego (or, the source of All Things Fear) can't be reasoned with. I know the Course says this, and this is exactly my point. It doesn't matter how many times I read something and think I understand it -- until I can actually *feel* it, its truth remains outside of me. So, take an adage like "the ego can't be reasoned w/." Sure, makes sense. I understand it, or think I do, but then as soon as I eat a pound of black pepper cashews I go thinking I'm gross and a total loser. And then I try and tell myself how ridiculous I'm being and this is all transitory and doesn't really exist, blah blah blah. And guess what? The words have no effect. Why? Ummm because that blasted ego can't be reasoned with. But when I, instead of trying to talk myself into a different state, do nothing but go right into the intensity of the emotion, (I try to connect with where I feel the anxiety physically, in my body), and then I just be with that, and I don't try to run from it by philosophizing, well then it starts to soften and dissipate. And in this way I make the translation from head to heart, not knowing (but thinking I do) to learning.

***

Russel Simmons was interviewed a couple of weeks ago in the Times Magazine by Deborah Solomon. She's great. Anyway, you know he's all yoga, yoga, yoga and he just wrote this book called Do You or something like that. So he asks her if she meditates, and she answers that she "read[s] in bed...[t]hat for me is meditation." To which Russell answers (and this is the best): "No it’s not. It’s noise. It’s the opposite. To be awake is to be fully present, no noise, just you and God." Dude that is classic. And so honest, and I love that he just called it like it is. The thing is, I always feel a little bit hesitant to discount anyone's idea of meditation b/c it's such a personal thing, but, I gotta say, there's a big difference between reading (or *doing* anything) and sitting. Reading doesn't bring up your stuff, for one, and for two, it's not like it clears the brain. So it's prob a good idea to have a meditation practice AND read. Reading's good. Just not in place of sitting.

***

I just added another class at Equinox! This one is at the Westwood location which is close to my house. Wednesday mornings REALLY EARLY ... but it'll be good to get up and at 'em consistently. The class doesn't start until June so I've got some time to relish what it's like to sleep in past sunrise. This makes four a week, which is what I was teaching in Austin, and I think I'm maxed out for regularly scheduled classes -- meaning occasional subbing and privates aside. I swear I'm ridiculously lucky.

did someone say 'blog'?

Why the internet is cool.

***

Congrats to Dre who made it through her very first 3 day cleanse! Dink! I can't say it wasn't painful for us both. Several times I begged her to quit as she tried to convince me that sashimi should be included, as should coffee, soy milk creamer, and, my personal favorite -- the bag of vegan cookies she brought home on Day One. It turns out she just likes complaining (her words, but I concur) and had every intention of making it through. Next up? Colonics. Pray to baby jesus she doesn't read this.

***

I put a new Gandhi quote up today:
When somebody utters a lie before me, I get more angry with myself than with him because I then realize that untruth still exists somewhere deep within me.
This is why Gandhi's such a badass. (Present tense intended.) Well, one of the reasons. As the recipient of a lie, it can be really tempting to feel betrayed and make the liar wrong. Indeed, she IS responsible for her own actions. And yet, Gandhi's assertion -- that the recipient must, in some way, be holding space for untruth -- reminds me that I still have a ways to go on my mission to follow truth. Oddly, I feel happy -- because at least now I'm aware, and that's where growth can happen.

***

My friend recently found out his estranged mother has terminal cancer. A) Cancer blows. B) Mom having cancer *really* blows. C) (Mom + cancer) + estranged = Therapy. I haven't had a parent w/ cancer, but I get the estranged part and it's no picnic. My dad and I didn't talk for about five years. I spent years - decades, really - being pissed and feeling bitter about his imperfections. Naturally I sought out and found agreement in every therapist and friend I told. Yep. He was wrong.

Then, a couple of years ago I met this pastor/meditation teacher at a yoga workshop. I had been introduced to him after one of the sessions. He and I were talking casually and out of nowhere he turned to me and said: "You got anger." At first I was shocked by it, being all non-sequitur-y and all, and so I looked around thinking he must be talking to someone else. Nope. He caught my avoidance and repeated himself: "You got anger. You got anger towards your parents and you gotta learn to forgive." I laughed, because that's what I do when things get uncomfortable and boy, did someone build a bonfire in here or something?? The abridged version is that conversations ensued, and thank God -- that was the first time someone had ever told me that I was responsible for my own anger. The teacher didn't absolve my dad of his mistakes but he did explain that parents do the best they can with what they've been given, and if you want to not be like them, then you have to learn to forgive both them and yourself. Myself? Huh?! Yeah. Turns out, you have to drop the righteous indignance if you want to drop the pain that is ultimately beneath the anger. In this way, forgiveness is for you, not your transgressor.

Anyway, so I called my dad to talk, and ask for forgiveness for holding anger towards him. (I should disclose that I didn't call right away -- it took me a few months till I felt sincerity.) We started out bumpy; eventually it rounded the corner into a sweet conversation and I thought -- Yes! Case closed. Except then we didn't talk for another year, neither of us making the effort, and those feelings came up again. And you know what? I've cleaned it up with my dad prob three or four times since that initial effort. It'd be nice to think that once you deal w/ something it's done and over w/. Rats that it doesn't always work like that. Even now, my dad and I still do not talk that often, but finally! it's not because I hold any residual bitterness that I'm aware of. Forgiving yourself and your parent doesn't mean instant camaraderie. It doesn't mean painful things didn't happen in the past. It does mean that you're no longer bound by your anger. It means that you see those things that once stung with the eye of an observer. It means you stop wishing they were different. Their actions were no more theirs, than your faults are really yours. It means that now you can start to form healthy relationships with others because you've healed one of the most significant relationships you'll ever have. (If you think you can before this work is done, you're kidding yourself.) And at the end of the day, the forgiveness that you extend to others you also get to keep. And that's a pretty sweet trade.

The Fist Bump is out.

Last night I went to Minnu's for a game night w/ her, Caryn, and Warren. We played a game called "What Were You Thinking?" Have you played this game? It's one where you get rewarded for thinking like the group. So I'm not sure if I should be happy that I lost. Quickly. There's some strategy to it in that you could write down things that you wouldn't normally think of but you think others would, but I failed at even that. Come on... if you had to list the 5 things that come to mind when I say the word 'compassion', tell me you think "Buddha" too?

***

Today was a perfect day in LA. Sunny, very little traffic, and almost 80 degrees. It felt too nice to be inside watching the Super Bowl, but we did anyway.

***

I've never done Vipassana and I suspect I'm too big of a weenie to ever do one. Hats off to anyone who does (my bro), and here's why you won't catch me signing up:
A) No yoga allowed. When I was at YJ I took Yin yoga w/ Sarah Powers. It's like yoga on valium. We did about 5 postures in 2 hours. It was during our 25 minute childs pose (25 MINUTES!) that I realized why I like vinyasa: I'm partial to movement. It remains a mystery how I can watch 3 hours of Beauty and the Geek without getting off the couch but that's another blog. I digress - I'm trying to say that at Vipassana, there's no exercise. I get that the point is to lose your mind, but if asana is to purify the mind FOR meditation, doesn't it seem like there'd be an exception? Like it would actually help to still the mind?
B) No journaling. I do likes me some pen time.
C) 4 a.m. wake up calls. This is also one of the reasons I'm not a Kundalini pratitioner (and, oh yeah, Kundalini is weird).
D) Who wants to come back from a 10 day-"retreat" with more cellulite than when they left?

But, even if I could muster the courage to brave long, sedintary days and painfully early mornings, I still don't quite understand it. What if you have a regular, long meditation practice (I'm a meditation baby -- I'm just being hypothetical here), would you still go? Meditation is a cumulative practice, so what is the theory behind knockin' 140 hours out in one fell swoop? I'm not being condescending -- I truly want to understand. And by 'want to understand' I mean someone *please* tell me the answer -- this is not an experiment I'm ready to undertake.

***

All this Vipassana talk reminds me that I overate tonight -- raw food. How weird is that? Too much avocado "sandwich" (made entirely of nuts, avocado, tomatoes, and lettuce). It was yum till I took like 3 bites too many. Actually, that has nothing to do w/ Vipassana, but this does: Gandhi used to take a day a week where he didn't speak. He said that it was the only way he could have time to himself. I do not want for alone-time, call it a benefit of moving to a new city and working from home on my current project. But, I am intrigued by the no talking for a day thing. I gotta try this one on myself.

I Wanna be Meditated

The other day I snapped a picture of some trees in a Brentwood neighborhood, since the leaves were a brilliant red and I wanted to capture what Fall is like in LA. In January. But I can't find the attachment to plug my phone into my pc so you'll have to take my word for it.

***

This morning I went cycling along the ocean w/ my friend and we started talking about meditation. I've written about this before and think it's as good a time as any to bring it up again since I want to. Quick overview: Why meditation? Because it's good for you. Kinda like brussel sprouts only it doesn't smell. For real though, meditation is cool because it gives you clarity, patience, and stillness; plus it's been known to cure baldness in men and ditziness in blondes. Statement not evaluated by the FDA.

A lot of people think that meditation is only for Buddhists or weirdos or both. It's not. Mostly though, I usually hear that you can't stop your mind from thinking. Call it ADD, call it boredom, whatever the affliction -- I get it and it's okay. I don't know anyone whose very first time, or even their 100th time, could keep their mind from drifting. I still have more practices than not where I'm like "Hmm I'm hungry...Ooh! I should go to JacknJills...That guy in yoga was weird...My hamstrings are sore...Focus!... I should do a workshop...Oh yeah focus...Boy I'm hungry..." and so on. Fortunately, it doesn't matter. The benefits of sitting, even if the mind wanders, are still gained.
So commit. Grab your Timex, set it for 5 minutes, and keep doing it, even when you don't want to for just six weeks. Six short weeks. I promise it's magic.

***
Went to a Seane Corn workshop yesterday where we did declarations for 2007 which are essentially like intention setting. It was cool to be in a workshop and get to work in a group sharing with others anonymously. I said my declarations to the group and then of course immediately afterwards the one that really resonated with me popped into my mind but I couldn't exactly stop everyone else to make my important announcement. Me me me. So here it is, drum roll, please: For 2007, this is my year of listening. In honor of my commitment I'm about to ask Dre to candle my ears. She hearts me a lot and umm, owes me a favor.

***
Ally's back and how motherscratchin' rad is it that she breastfeeds while she teaches? No, not hidden in a corner w/ a blankie and all that -- just as natural as it actually is, holding her boy, and walkin around as she cool-as-a-cucumber calls out bakasana, again. She wrote the book on balls.

january 3

I had this dream last night that I walked into this bathroom to brush my teeth and David Spade was in there. I asked him how he pulls off being weird all the time. (Is David Spade *really* weird? I have no idea. I vaguely remember him on SNL back in the day and can't vouch for his normalcy or otherwise, but you know how dreams go.) So he answers simply: I am weird all the time because I realized it was easier to be who I am. I started out just doing one weird thing a day and now I'm this way all the time. It was something out of like Alice in Wonderland.

***
There is no substitute for a meditation practice.

***
Full moon. You know what that means.

Even dust could crush

Dear Christians,

Happy Hannukah.

That's for the countless times that I've said "Merry Christmas" to Jews. See, the thing is, I should know the "Happy Holidays" routine by now, but I forget! I don't even have a good excuse b/c I didn't grow up celebrating Christmas (or any other holiday). If I'm to say anything at all, it should be more natural offer a generic tiding -- Seasons Greetings! -- and yet I chirp Merry Christmas indiscriminately.
***

Have you seen The Secret? It's a movie about the Law of Attraction. I saw a meditation teacher when I lived in Cambridge who formally introduced me to this principle. I had been aware of it by concept but not name, and now there's a documentary out based on its principles. The production is a bit along the lines of What the Bleep; still, the content is an important reminder. You know how you think you understand something and start to apply it and then it's only much later, sometimes years (though in this case months) where you realize your previous thinking was only one tree in a forest? It was nothing that this movie explicitly said that triggered the understanding. Rather, it's my own subsequent kinesthetic experiments which have left an immeasurable imprint on my perspective. Super exciting.

***

Last night we played this really cool game called "Settlers" that now I can't stop thinking about. Even my abysmal performance is no distraction. It's a game which balances probability and resources and you can't get it in Toys R Us. You have to go knock on some door off of like Alameda and Gage at 4 in the morning. A sliding door the width of a butter knife opens and some beady eyes peer out asking what you want though no words are spoken. You have to give some key word and if you're wrong they shoot your foot for wasting their time. If you're right you're entered into a lottery for a chance at buying the game. If you win the lottery your stoned to death (thanks Shirley Jackson) while the remainders bid on the game. I don't pretend to make sense but it IS fun. Settlers, I mean.

Meditation and the art of motorcycle maintenance

One of my best friends, Sonya, and I were discussing recently the perceived perils of meditation. What do you think turns people off from it, I asked. She gave me a laundry list which brought back all the same reasons it took me almost my whole life to develop a regular practice: it's hard to focus, I don't have time, I don't know if I'm doing it right, etc. I can add to that list my memory of thinking it was just plain weird and boring.
So why meditate, anyway? Because it will change your life. There are ample studies substantiating the physiological benefits of meditation (including lower stress levels, decreased occurrences of heart disease and hypertension), and that's pretty cool and all, but what else?
Meditation gives perspective. It develops patience, honesty, intuition, foresight, courage, self-esteem, and eases suffering. Not enough? Well it makes you super cool, too. Seriously. I swear to God there's a correlation to charisma in its ways.
See the thing about meditation is that it shows you the truth. It shows you your path and then it's your choice to go forward. And if you don't, it'll keep showing you. Okay so there's no silver bullet in life, but meditation is hands down one of the most effective tools in stripping away all of the layers and layers of hurt, shame, anger, and fear that we walk around with unknowingly. It's these very things that paralyze us, keep us dating the same kind of person over and over again, keep us hating our bodies, keep us stuck as people pleasers, keep us from being successful, and keep us as road rage drivers. So WHY NOT shed that junk?

1. Because it's hard to focus.
People think that if your mind wanders then you're not doing it, or that it's a waste. But you are doing it. We're human. The mind is going to wander. That's what it does. Eventually, it wanders less, so keep going. The tendency is to throw the baby out w/ the bathwater and chalk the experience up as a failure if we can't stay focused. It doesn't matter! Be patient with it b/c the focus will come. I swear I'm thrilled if I get a minute of space out of ten minutes sitting. So your mind wanders... so what? Just keep coming back to center.

2. Because I don't have time.
I remember being scared when I heard that people went away and meditated for 10 days straight. 10 days?! I can't do anything for 10 days. Much less sit in silence. Then I read stories suggesting meditation for an hour a day and even that seemed unattainable. Meditation is just like exercise though. You don't start out running 26.2 miles your first time on the track when you're 30 lbs overweight and have been smokin' a pack a day for 10 years. One of the techniques that I learned from 40 Days to Personal Revolution was that it's totally cool to start out w/ 5 minutes in the morning, 5 minutes before you go to bed. So you're running late for work and you can't get 5 minutes in? Do it on your lunch break sitting in your car or in the office bathroom. (Is that sacrilege? I can't believe I'm suggesting meditation in a stall.) 5 minutes might seem like eternity your first few times, but stick w/ it for more than just a few days and you'll be amazed at how fast time flies when you're having fun.

3. Because I don't know if I'm doing it right.
Yes, there are hundreds of techniques for meditating. Various hand positions, seating positions, breathing options, open-your-eyes-no-close-your-eyes, etc. It's truly overwhelming if you let it be. I gotta tell ya, I don't even read that shit. *Maybe* I'd be enlightened/actualized/a super bad-ass faster if I employed some of those techniques. But I doubt it. It does help to be sitting up, and yes it helps to move your breath up and down your spine, AND you have to find what works for you. Practically speaking, I avoid reclining b/c I would probably fall asleep. It feels pretty good to me to sit on a pillow or two so that my hips are higher than my knees. What I'm trying to say however, is that no one can tell you how to do it "right". The hardest part is just starting, so don't worry about meditation etiquette -- just keep doing it, even when you don't want to, ESPECIALLY when you don't want to, and the right position, breath work, etc. for you will come.

4. Because it's weird.
It's weird? Whatever. You're weird.

So what do you have to lose except all those habits, traits, compulsions that aren't serving you anyway? As I said, the hardest part is just making it a habit. You will have days that you don't want to. Do it anyway. And those times where you force yourself to do it your thoughts might fight you the entire time and you won't feel like you did anything. Keep doing it anyway. I mean just give it three weeks okay? Just three weeks. You've watched reality TV in one sitting for longer stretches. I can promise you if you do, you'll be super cool.